This is it; as ambiguous as it gets.

Monday, August 11, 2008
Do you paint me in your sunshine? I only see blots of grey that sunny day. I don’t like what I am feeling now. I want them to see my flaws. I want them to see my un-glam moments. I want them to be there for me, knowing me as I am. What if they see too much of my perfectness and come to know the hideous truth eventually; would it taint everything? Could I even salvage the moment if that happens?

Yet, there is this irritating feeling that things are not that simple. Things don’t just want me have my own way. I would live to trade it up to get that absolute. Getting irritated and jealous over petty things is exhausting me. My balloon of hope on them is deflated. H-O-P-E has vanished. Simply and cliché as it may sound, I live by the day.

I manage to catch a glimpse of fireworks at work last Saturday. Work without Mel and Mitch have lose a-bit of its essence. Uma told me Ika was really beautiful on her engagement day. Shucks! I wish I was there to see that happy moment of hers. Then, I wonder how would my engagement day would be like. Would I be truly happy? Is he the right man for me? As to date, I have met a couple of jerks these recent years. Yes, I believe in engagement and not to just get married to my future husband to be. Like, what I say to Uma that morning walk to work, my reason is to know him deeper, his family and let loose of my character. I want to get as comfortable as I can with him so that it would not be so much of a “culture shock.”

Well, so much for the rumah-tangga thoughts. I just realized that what mum said over supper just now do make sense. Like HELLO, I can get married in 5 years time and in today’s context, 5 years is not a long period of time. (Boys minds roam freely when they read FHM and whatnot while girls do something more conservative and serious.) (: Well, it’s a- bit to tad early for me. But, it’s something worth considering and think about. My workmate whose turning 27 is getting panicky already because she have yet to own a soul mate while many of her friends are either married or planning to. She used to think it is not important for her during her peak moments to flirt seriously. Women lose their value over time and that does not apply to men; which is not fair! (Oh, it does not apply to man who loves older woman though.)

I have nothing against flirting. Flirting is good. Girls don’t check out for boops though. We go for something more towards intellect. Hah! Macam paham aje. Obviously, exteriority counts as a trigger factor. Time, fate and that chemistry both people have would then catalyze whether it’s for or against.