iamsuperficial,areyoudeep?

All the things that I want myself to be

2011-08-15T01:11:00.002+08:00

When is the day that I'd stop crying? Where is the strong me? Flop.

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart While i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar

2011-04-27T00:53:00.004+08:00

"You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans.

It happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. It isn't her calming you down when you yell. It’s her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It’s not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it’s not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It’s her standing there, admitting she’s just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved."

Andrew Landon

And I choose you, come what may. No matter.

When she...

2011-03-26T12:15:00.002+08:00

"A feeling is just a feeling, till you let it get the best of who you are. Then sleep gets harder, and I need more of you. " ~Never Alone

http://www.miacarmel.com/tips-about-relationships/what-to-do-when-a-woman-does-this-to-you-2.html

And i smiled to myself reading this.

Us, humans.

2011-02-28T21:28:00.003+08:00

"It's almost comical to watch what happens within me after anything and everything you do- the way i feel inside, the way my head spins into overdrive when you even begin to look at me, your eyes searching my face~"

No regrets, just love.

2011-02-18T20:42:00.003+08:00

Happy things. Things could be worst. Things can be better. Things would be different. I am going to enjoy every individual moment. Because i know, things doesnt come easy. And i know that, im not going to get another one quite like it.

With you, you always make me laugh, make me smile. At times, i cant stop smiling and it makes my face ache. But, i love this ache. This ache makes everything felt real. You never ask anything for more, just a smile from me. Sometimes i feel, it's unfair to you. Like you said, actions speaks more louder than words. And im going to prove it to you, i am going no where. Right here, right now with you.

Those three words you whispered, hehs.. it made me want to teared so bad. But, i fought it. That is one of the things that dont come easily. Even without words spoken, you would. And, I love you too. You are my keeper. Thank you so much behbeh. (:

Madness.

2011-01-27T02:51:00.003+08:00

It is sometimes impossible to describe the panic that comes over me.

A perfect circle.

2011-01-15T23:07:00.005+08:00

Truly, yours.

2010-12-28T00:00:00.004+08:00

Day Twelve

I am not the kind of girl who needs gifts, stuffed teddy bear or chocolates everytime we met. I am not the kind of girl who wear dresses, heels and make-up just to impress. I am not the kind of girl who spends so much money on beauty products for her face. I am not the kind of girl who is afraid of getting sweaty, dirty and messy. But, I am the kind of girl who would laugh out loud, be clumsy and talk gibberish. The kind of girl who speaks what she thinks, quiet when she is emotional and act when she needs to. I am the girl, who will rock your world. Yet, this girl who seemed unbreakable, broke. Yet again,this girl who always laughed, cried. Yes because she misses the boy so very much. She never did that for other boys. She did it for this boy. For what he showed, that love is tangible. You and me; that's love.

Two more days. Welcome home, behbeh!

TWENTY-FIRST DECEMBER 2010

2010-12-21T00:00:00.004+08:00

Day Six

I wish this date had ceased. I hated myself so much that I didnt finish up the things i was supposed to do. The fact that I failed in those aspects that i know i could outdone myself. The fact that i totally let myself down. The fact that I bailed out. I bailed out on me. If that night's moment could eat me, it'd eat the whole lot of me. It's like a whole jar of cookies dropped and it was crushed to bits and pieces. Nothing could salvaged it; a lost cause.

Did i set my expectations too high? Or was my expectations pretty vague? Too vague that i was delusional. I was duped into my own trickery. I must have failed. I failed in juggling things; i failed in prioritising. I assume the other was of more importance. I assume that my decision was right, it would benefit me and what i gave up; in a matter of time that i'd gain it back. Does it work that way? Let loose. Let loose. Let loose. No matter how i put it, I am going to fall. And it's scary as hell. But, I have fall before and I managed to get up. I opened the blank envelope -(PictureofYou) Smile! Love, Hafiz. For I will smile, again.

You've talked to me through those silly secret number codes of yours, your hand-signs, your face, your doodles, your breathing. And most of the time, I understood; whatever you meant, your sighs and what makes you tick. Funny as it may sound, at times i knew the reason behind your silly antics or awkward acts. While you are there, I had some quiet times to reflect. The years you waited to make me yours was worth and im glad to have you as mine. Like Ive said it, there is never one person like you who looks at my eyes the way that you do. There is never a person who brushes hair out of my face the way that you do. There is never one person like you whose hug is so warm, safe and secure. It feels so close as though we can feel each other's heart beating.

This is my answer to you: It is hard to find someone who loves me for what i am without demanding to change the bits and pieces. You love the good, the bad, the cant throw things properly at you, the clumsy and silly, the pms-y moments of me.Lots of love, Fyzzah.

Because he is leaving on a jet plane.

2010-12-15T22:31:00.003+08:00

The Day of Departure.

The train ride to T3 was a miserable experience. Thank god with Mark around, I managed to divert all my attention to the topic at hand. We were early, we decided to have a quick bite. A bite where i was merely going through the motion. Whatmore, he texted that he was still on his way. I rehearsed in my mind, a mental image of how the goodbye was to be. It musnt be sappy and i dont want to be tearing like Niagra falls and obviously, not in front of his family. 7:15pm there he was in line with the rest of his family members. It wasnt so hard to spot, that t-shirt, that pants, that two bags and whatmore those familiar features on his face which can be distinguished from afar. 8:15pm there stood the two of us; Mark and I bid our goodbyes'. A warm hug from him that I'd yearn for and a peck on my lips that I'd miss for two whole weeks. No, i didnt cry. I'm glad I didnt, I dont want him to have that last image of me looking sad; I didnt want to make it any harder for him when all along he had been reluctant.

I accompanied Mark to Tampines as he needs to get some clothes for Shaw's Christmas Party on Friday. He got what he wanted to wear for that occasion. I decided to went back thereafter as it was going to be a long day for me the following day. Nonetheless, as he walks me to the Interchange; he asked me this "How are you feeling? Have it all sink in yet?" That strucked me real hard. The fact that he has been part of me; comprising the majority of my routine especially in school nowadays when is so hectic. My heart ached at the thought of it that he is not going to be physically there at the crucial time. Don't get me wrong, I dont blame him for that. Purely just bad timing.

Day One.

I didnt manage to sleep well; I kept waking up and look at the time. The first thing I look forward for was to open the envelope dated: 15-12-10. It was a note from you. The note that activates my eyes to well-up. Journey to school was awkward as I know i wont be seeing you at the exact same spot and walk to school together. FYP. FYP. FYP. 10:24 AM (Singapore), 3:24PM (New Zealand): A text message which contains 12 numbers, yeay he texted. At least, I know his family and him landed safely. "..I really miss you lehhh!..a lot of times i thought i smelled you, but its not." That wasnt an understatement. I miss him tons too. Behbeh, this is an avenue for you and for me.

(I would come back to this space when i needed to and if i have the time too. As fast as good things comes to me; there it goes away temporarily. Cest La Vie. For what's to come, it makes me more x2 appreciative of what i have.Please make me strong)

This is raw.

2010-12-12T12:27:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, you can't merely help it.

Sometimes, you are just scared.

When is enough, enough?

When is much, too much?

Keeping the balance. ~Just keep riding on

2010-11-07T14:47:00.002+08:00

"Life sucks. -In a good way. Falling in love, falling in hate, getting hurt -what's one without the other? When it comes to the routine of growing up, sometimes you smile because you are happy. Other times, you smile just because you've survived. But hey, a smile is still a smile."

"There are millions of people out there. But in the end, it boils down to one."

2010-10-05T07:54:00.006+08:00

The picture like ZOMGGGG kan, i know. (:

Funny as it seems, we always (not always, always.. but you get my drive right?) talk about negative things. About death, like what if one of us die first due to an accident or disease and yada yada. Whatmore, we spoke about the probability of feelings changing overtime due to a change of preferences or just basically a need for a change like literally. Some people might find it a taboo while for me and i, safely say him as well; we are very aware of changes and how things can turn abruptly. How fragile life is and how sad things can turn out to be. Relatively it made us be mentally prepared not to be complacent in our comfort zones and i do agree with someone who said this, " As fast good things gets to you, it'd be much faster than you realized that all is lost."

Life is made up of great little things. Let's not get too critical and try to hanker all the big things. Yes, each day we wish to get better and better, the wishlist goes on and on and sometimes it gets hard to keep up. We could spend a lifetime trying to achieve all that but not achieving them does not mean we need them to be happy. "You pile up enough tomorrows and you'll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays. I don't know about you but i'd like to make my todays' worth remembering."

Sunkiss Oranje, thank you. Let's make it work and carve out happy moments, fulfill our to do lists, support each others' priorities and made our colourful meters go bonkers all the time. Other things can pretty much wait. (:

Pretty hearts sama lu!

2010-09-20T12:07:00.001+08:00

(-) x (-) = +

Heart pangs.

2010-08-24T12:09:00.003+08:00

Ever had that feeling where when you wave someone goodbye and go on seperate ways and you had this funny-kind-of-empty feeling at the corner of your heart? Or that feeling that you never want to say good bye? My past relationships; i never really bothered and i never cared. What was on my mind was okay we met thats good and we spent time; and we are happy. Thats for today; i do not need or shall i say i dont get that missing-kind-of-pangs. This is different and ever since i woke up that day and that particular morning ~i knew i need you.

The truth is, many have pointed out and many have said something. I brush it off, it didnt matter to me and for years i deny it purely because we are bestfriends. I do not want people impressions to taint it. For one,it didnt occur to me that you'd like me or even to the extent of loving me. And i know ive hurt you once over a silly situation; i have that feeling that you'd bear a grudge on me. Now, really i don't know. I do not know what to do; i dont know how to handle this. Though one thing is fo sure; after that message you sent me on your birthday, (and i can't imagine i teared while reading it) to this 5 years of friendship and counting..

xoxo,

Fyzzah.

Never say never.

2010-08-10T23:57:00.002+08:00

I MISS __________.

Every single time. Every single day.

2010-07-27T22:39:00.003+08:00

"She’s strong because she knows what it’s like to be weak. She keeps her guard up because she knows what it’s like to cry herself to sleep." (i share the same sentiments with this quote)

You know, i have too much to say; too many things to think that ironically i get quiet sometimes. I begin to learnt also that when a person says no, it does not mean never. It just means not yet. I am flawed. I am only human. But, i am going to keep on trying. Being a girl, sometimes i freak out over the slightest things. Space is good, i like the way we can be A P A R T and we are both okay about it. I love the way we love the same things. And i love how we love entirely different things. Somewhere between our laughters, long talks, our childish squabbles and stupid jokes, i fell in love.

Nice. Oh oh, i am off to KL next week. Wee, that is specially to commemorate my IIP which is one a half month overdue. ((:

please don't stop the rain.

2010-06-21T21:53:00.002+08:00

Swim for the music that saves you.

2010-05-30T22:06:00.002+08:00

"They can take tomorrow and the plans we made. They can take the music that we never play. All the broken dreams take everything. Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday."

one more week, at last!

Fact is, most girls do.

2010-05-13T22:55:00.003+08:00

You know, being surrounded by 25 French boys make me realised this thing. They are actually pampered and petty. Farid, when are you coming back; where is my Aussie boy?

read between the lines.

2010-05-04T22:35:00.003+08:00

MY PRIORITIES CHANGE.

that's all you need to know

sunshine.

2010-05-01T13:17:00.005+08:00

DANCE. LAUGH. BE HAPPY.

that's what i am going to stick to. this week has been ridiculously funny and odd for me. but, its good and im happy. i am beginning to learn that yes things may seem to be tough and hard and emotionally it bogged me down. with time, things will iron out. all the creases would smoothen. and guess what im left with only a month with this internship. yeay me!

Hafiz and i watched Ironman 2 yesterday. There are afew pretty lame scenes and with a little dash of funny moments here and there which mainly comes from their dialogues. Other than that it is pretty okay. Oh i told Hafiz that Ironman 2 has a Singapore touch to it (he claims he doesn't know); in terms of the visual effects. Maybe you guys dont know too, so here you go fyi. Haha. Oh wait, the ending its like dissapointing for me; cause in my mind i go 'oh gitu aje, dah mati? lahh.." (oh like that only, then die? lahh..)

Oh i want to get my hands on a Blackberry. I soo need to find time and finish up the last few modules for my driving license. And yes, a strength and conditioning coach wants me to work with her. Its like an honour but at the same time it seems she thinks highly of me. Lol, like macam im soo fit enough. -_____- We'll see how it goes she ask me to try next friday with a bunch of hockey players. Ttys.

wonders.

2010-04-17T14:21:00.000+08:00

~Sometimes you have to be broken hearted just so you know how amazing the feeling of being loved is. Sometimes you have to cry to see clearer. Sometimes you have to yell at the top of your lungs just to know the feeling of laughter. And sometimes, you have to fall a million times to learn that you can pick yourself back up again.

you are my Iris.

2010-04-17T13:03:00.003+08:00

~Reposting

the eleven hints for life.
1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on aporch swing with, never say a word, and then walk awayfeeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

4. It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don’t go for looks, they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth,even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other’s shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wrecka life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,you’re the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Do they have this in Singapore outlet?

2010-04-04T16:06:00.002+08:00

This is love. Anyone please tell me where i can get this? I would love you forever and ever.

This is it; hitting the threshold.

2010-03-31T23:40:00.002+08:00

She went all out to defy expectations. For the mere reason of being better, getting better or even be the best. Turning “why” to “why not?” and making things possible. At times, it becomes a major struggle for her. A struggle to cope, a struggle to do things right each and every time. She does not deal with disappointments best. Then, late that night everything seems to weigh down on her, she felt so overwhelmed by the whole situation. Clinging to that very fact, she cried herself to sleep.

Pathetic, seriously.

Probably it was just another figment of her imagination.

2010-03-24T00:06:00.004+08:00

Does expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Haha, mom made me think what i wanted for my birthday. Well, i told her she could get me this awesome pair of glasses. (But, i didnt tell her it was 300 plus yet.) Cause mainly, it wasnt in the colour that I am looking for. I wanted black or deep dark purple.

i still want my guitar picks earrings.

i still want my kate spade.

i still want my marc by marc jacobs leather wallet.

i still want my tunic dress.

i think i want a leather gladiator sandals.

i think i want heels.

i think i want a new handphone

i think i am ready to jump into the ship!* ((:

i want to go eat sushi with the conveyor belt "thing"

i want to go eat at Manhattan Fish Market, i havent tried Singapore's version yet

i want to go to Universal Studio's

i want to go on a trip after IIP badly

i want to shed another 4 kg pretty pretty badly

i am having doubts about the Swissotel Vertical Marathon

i am having doubts about things; life itself is a mystery

i am having doubts about what i am going to do in a year's time

I am clueless now. So, ignore this one from me.

If only a wish was cheap, Id buy one!

2010-03-16T23:11:00.002+08:00

"If you were falling, then I would catch you.

You need a light, I'd find a match.

'Cause I love the way you say good morning.

And you take me the way I am."

We cling to our own point of view; as though everything depended on it. That's basically what seperates us; our different perspectives, our standpoint. I am caught breathless every now and then and sometimes life around me seem to halt to a complete standstill. Yes, work has taken its toll. Yet, i believe in compromising. It's like a rollercoaster ride, too many bumps. But at the end of it, you just want to ride it again. Let's not leave any rooms for regrets. Whatever hits you, don't stop being hopeful.

I seek comfort and warmth.

The beauty of it. I think they define what relationship is all about.

2010-03-01T23:11:00.002+08:00

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."

Re-posting this, i read it from my brother's gf blog. Nice, sweet and apt.

Would you ever doubt?

2010-02-25T23:55:00.003+08:00

I need someone who really sees me.

Fuck you.

For what's worth it, I know who they are

And nothing else matters.

I saw the best of me in your eyes.

2010-02-14T21:22:00.003+08:00

Happy holidays? Not! Not for me. Boo hoo. Understanding Test 3 over and done with which marks the end of year two. Now, im considered a year three student, like finally! Cause my aunt keep asking me how come i seem to be stuck in the school system for soooo long. IIP is crazy, i do not know when are my off days and working hours are irregular. Yes, its something peers from my course would die for to do this attachment as a physio and do all the related things under the paraphernalia. Nevertheless i agree to this saying, too much of a good thing isnt good at all.

I forsee myself working my ass off and i know im going to miss school to a certain extent. Would be back to do my last semester only in August. ): Its Chinese New Year and major parts of Singapore seem like a ghost town, shops closed here and there; nothing much to do. Picnic with cousins, aunts and uncles was considerably pleasant. There's 3 movies that i currently want to watch; "New York, I Love You", "Valentine's Day" and "Tooth Fairy." Come on, who's on and wanna watch with me?I actually got nice things to write but i am effing lazy to type it down. Settle for this for now okay?

OH, OH Im turning 21 in four months time! ((:

IMY.

Far out of sight.

2010-01-31T22:16:00.004+08:00

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."

That's the thing,that's the reason why.

I am going back to the corner where i first saw you.

2010-01-03T00:08:00.003+08:00

Citispa Mizuno Run (10km): 28th of March 2010
Passion Run (10km): 23rd of May 2010
Northface Run (50km, Duo Open-25km each): 9th of October 2010
Swissotel Vertical Marathon: November 2010

That's settles it, should be enough for my 2010. Though, for Nike Human Race 2010 i am keeping it in view, depending on which month it'd be in which i still do not know yet. Wish me luck!

For you, a thousand times over.

2009-12-25T23:32:00.004+08:00

Happiness in a tablet.

"Much of what we called "depression" was really dissatisfaction, a result of setting the bar impossibly high or expecting treasures that we weren't willing to work for. For many, their source of misery came from their weight, their baldness or a lack in advancement at the workplace or even their inability to find the perfect mate, even if they themselves did not behave like one. To these people, unhappiness was a condition. If pills could help, many pills were taken."

when water starts to evaporate and disappear. -yes, nothing lasts forever.

2009-11-29T15:10:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, it just get tiring right? The constant whines, questions, assumptions and mockings hurled or being hurled to. Actually, when people say what you see is what you get. Trust me, it can't be entirely true. What you see doesn't necessarily you get it, you comprehend it or you understand it. You basically just have no idea and quit having a notion or conjencture thats mainly based upon "if's" or "seemingly".

At times, i don't get it. What does it really mean being honest? Is it being honest being truthful or being honest is a form of seeking forgiveness and repent for the obvious mistakes or damaged done. To let the other party acknowledge the obvious mistake that comes from the person him/her self and having a gullible idea that it is okay-ed and one could live happily ever after again? As afterall, the person have indeed admit it. Then, what now? As easy as that. (This paragraph makes sense to me, just maybe its confusing for you, readers.)

I dont know. I am not sure. I hope so. Why can't everyone say something infront of the intended person themselves rather than having a chain of this "chinese whispers" game. Why ask me? Ask the main root of the problem, of the confusion, of the doubts and/or of the speculations. I wish i-know-it-all, but i dont. For me yes, it appears to be true, not until it is verified; that remains dubious.

the truth is i want to be myself.

2009-11-22T20:05:00.002+08:00

You know, I like the way Caucasians teach their children (well, it does not apply only to Caucasians but for that matter, based on what i had seen, yes; Caucasians.) The nice, well-respected ones, the ones that does not put on airs. Its nice and heartwarming. The way the kids says please and thank you or just the mere reply from them when you ask questions gives you the picture on what kind of environment they grow up in at home.I certainly would want my child to be somewhat like that.

You see, the difference between the Asians and them is having every means to grab the chance to spend time with their children. I see enthusiasm in them participating with their child, giving them every inch of encouragement even if the kids just suck at what they are doing. Relatively, to Asians, they assume its better or best to leave the kids on their own as yes, obviously they are in our good hands. But, im talking about the bonding session here, parent to child participation. I am not saying that there are no Asians families who do not do that but its only a minority.

I want to be the outgoing mom; in order to do that- having a funky-cool-outgoing too husband is crucial. Imagine, you are all out having this cool idea of probably hmm, let me think playing in the rain, jumping in the puddles of dirty water with our yellow boots- then if i happen to marry an uncool husband (touch wood if that happens); he is so not going to be for the idea right? Party-pooper! At work, i have this particular 2 families which i think i am going to learn from them. Like this russian family, the mom; she is a triathlete btw have 2 children. And you know, she rode to class. I mean with her racer and she attached this wagon thing to her bike which is so awesome- i havent seen it sold in Singapore yet and ya, she places her kids inside it. The kids with their litle helmets on and seriously, they are real cute too.

The other family which is Chinese-American, dad and son would rode on their bicycles too. But, separately. The kid, Tien which is only 3 years old can already rode a 2 wheel bicycle like a pro. There was this particular day where Tien came into class with tears in his eyes and i asked him why. He said he fall from his bike while going down slope and his dad says it was okay and its all part of growing up. Then, i ask why is he still crying, he said that his just sad that front bit of his bike got scratched and it was a birthday present from his parents. Omgg, speaking of maturity at the age of 3.

That's it for now. Dont ever get me started about school. Its taxing.

I want to be the girl that give you a story to tell.

2009-11-13T23:05:00.002+08:00

“ Heroes didn’t leap tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they didn’t wear boots and capes. They bled, and they bruised, and their superpowers were as simple as listening, or loving. Heroes were ordinary people who knew that even if their own lives were impossibly knotted, they could untangle someone else’s. And maybe that one act could lead someone to rescue you right back."

— Jodi Picoult

And when i do, i would.

Baby, you are all that i need

2009-10-02T23:08:00.002+08:00

Nowadays, i always get frequent hunger pangs. And when i do eat, i can't finish it. Wasting right, tsk i know. Best part is, my target to reach 50 is just few stones away. Thanks to the fasting month, work and frequent physical activities that i did. I realised something though, last week i did 15km and i thought to myself, id rather last and do the distance rather than thinking of perfecting the timing. My medium is water and thats it, if you are good at one thing, dont even try to meddle into others and i might end up losing in both. Running, doing intervals and stairs is just an avenue to increase my stamina and power and thus equates to better and longer strokes while kayaking. Did i mention that i want to join the Vertical Marathon in 2010? Wish me luck okay? I just want to complete it, thats all. Dissapoinment is not something that I could accept easily so, start from small. Year 2, Semester 2 is starting next Monday, last semester's result was a-okay, an A, 3 B's and a C. How could i ask for more?

The record keep playing the same old songg.

2009-09-22T23:25:00.004+08:00

I read my once a upon a time Live journal. I realised something, I still have yet to get a pair of guitar picks earrings. Tsk! I should have bought it when I saw it at Arab Street back then seh. I think it’s the shop which sells old records and guitars. Like still have only, I don’t like the cheapo-nana picks that is flimsy. Anyway, after skimming through my LJ, I decided to do a compilation:

-"There would be one morning where we’d wake up and feel so good about ourselves. But, there is always this particular morning where we feel so down like in the pits."
-"Sometimes, we already have an answer in mind. Yet, why do we always keep looking for one?"
-"People do things they do is mainly due to their nature or the things they have been tormented by ages ago. For that very reason, when they get into a new situation; they want to act first and be the ones controlling it."
-"Never ask questions when you’ve decided on something. It’d lead only to more self-doubts."
-"We do not have to keep repeating and saying those things to just trigger those hateful or darkest period of someone’s life. They have it in their minds and sub consciously they are aware of it."
-"Like seriously pretending that you have nothing to say to certain stuffs is like killing a part of you. Silence doesn’t ultimately means consent, it’s just that you are not sure how the person is going to feel/react on the things you’ve to say."

Cause they don’t know their worth.

2009-09-10T00:48:00.005+08:00

We are all waiting. Isn't it time you got over how fragile you are? Show what's worth. Yet, how funny it seems the way you act, goes to show that we all had done you wrong. Did we? After all, its your life we are talking about here. So wait, if I am wrong then you are right isn't it?

Sometimes, the things we said we would do remains to be the plans of the past. The feeling of a plan backfiring is not nice. And you know, when things got twisted here and there or when i lose sight of my goals, id tend to panic. The unsure uncertain feeling makes me uncomfortable, it makes me -how should i say this? It puts me in a precarious position where i could feel me crumbling into pieces of 'DANONE cookies' and make a mess -make a mess of myself that is. I couldnt remember who told me this eons ago: "We fall to actually learn how to pick ourself up. The more we fall, the easier it is to get up." I know many would beg to differ and say it is easier said than done. Come on, if we remain in that sappy mode of ours, life still go on-night would break into day and things just flow and proceed on. That is the thing about life, you would wonder that actually we can heal. I thought i would never get over the ache when my uncle passed, yet now that pain have actually subside. Time people, time.

And it’s strange how soon you’d forget.

2009-09-05T01:27:00.004+08:00

Date: 4th of September 2009
Time: 5.05 a.m.

Mom: "Eh, you didn't mop the whole house yet right?"
Brother: "Not yet." (smile sheepishly)
Mom: "You need to be reminded like how many times?"
Brother: "You could have wake me up in the noon last night when i reach home earlier."
Mom: "Alah, abang kadang kadang pun ade angin(mood swing)"
Me: "Kan bagus, ade angin (wind) ma. Cepat kering."
(Mom and brother look at me one kind. They laughed.)
Mom: "Not that angin (wind), ni angin (mood swing) lain lah."

Fizah, fizah. My brother call me a bimbo lah just because i ask some questions. Bimbo and me no link okay adik. (insertthenolinkhandgesturehere) I am just naive. HA-HA. (:

Things to note the following week: Ransack my room & throw unnecessary items.

I am not wrapping this in ribbons.

2009-08-16T21:34:00.001+08:00

I hate good byes. I really do. For one, I am not kind of the person who expresses her feelings well. Ironically, I expect it to be known and made obvious to the other person. -Be it feeling sad, angry or happy, though the happiness that is brimming in me tends to be more apparent to the others. It is probably because of the fact that I am not comfortable in portraying negative feelings. Maybe because I do not want others to feel affected also. So, that day, I met her before she leave for France the next day. I feel exceptionally sad this time round and walk home that night with a heavy heart, looking at the reality that it won’t be so soon to get to see her again. Next on my good bye list, he is leaving to Adelaide for further studies. The previous meet up the other time, we talk and it seems like he is bent on staying there long, like really long after he completed his degree. Another significant friend lost, one of the other friends who do not mind the silly me. There would no more be random meet ups, adventure thrills at Changi just to mentor and brush up my kayaking skills.

Sometimes, it is just the exterior of the person. Yet, the interior of it speaks a whole different story. She may not seem to bother, but if you happen to be the people that she cares about, do not question what you guys meant to her.

I wonder now how the girls are doing. Bon voyage Reinny and Farid!

Sometimes what we think we love we don't And I am blind. I cannot find the heart I gave to you

2009-08-02T00:35:00.005+08:00

Dear brother,

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts? Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess, And to stop the muscle that makes us confess
And we are so fragile, And our cracking bones make noise, And we are just, Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys
And you fasten my seat belt because it is the law In your two ton death trap I finally saw A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret Then you drove me to places I'll never forget
And we are so fragile, And our cracking bones make noise, And we are just, Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys

When doubt seeps in, communication is key. It’s not about the past or the future, but the present. Ryshafoxx’s statement couldn’t be more than apt and I am going to use it here, “The simplicity in life, yet the complexity we go through to achieve something that simple- is unspoken for.” Each of us should twist and try to fit into the mould. Make it work! Things do get crazy, I agree with that fact.

Cause perfect didn’t feel so perfect. Trying to fit a square into a circle -it was just a lie.

2009-07-19T01:52:00.002+08:00

If irony could speak, it would talk about the incongruity of it all. If irony could act, it would portray and play about the inconsistency of your life. And if irony could listen, it would pay heed to the issues of your knotted heart that you have been conflicting about.

Are you that IRONY?

I don't want to end up watching chances fade.

2009-07-06T21:04:00.003+08:00

I am a dreamer, waiting for the sun. When you’re coming in, I know my life’s begun. You know that all my life I’ve been waiting, waiting for some, someone like you to love me.

That glistening look in his eyes when my brother talks to me about her, I know, she meant the whole world to him. On the other side, from reading her blog and as a woman, I know too that he meant the whole world to her. -Truly, madly and deeply. Now, there is another important woman in his life now. Not just the two of us -my mum and me. Even, helping him to get the birthday gift for her last Sunday, I could sense it was serious business. I had to be the one “model-ing” it and try on those watches. She is lucky I thought, he is not the type who spent hundreds especially on a girl. That scrooge!

For every piece of me that wants you, another piece backs away.

Can you imagine my smallest brother, asking me when I am going to get myself a boyfriend? And from the tone, it sounds as if I am a very picky person. Well, I am waiting for serendipity to strike me.-Being with the right person at the right time and basically all for the right reasons for us to be together in a relationship. I want that person to embrace me for who I am my flaws, my laughter and all of my awkward antics. I don’t want him to be with me just because I make a good listener, just because I understand him. It has to be a two way thing which I felt is an important aspect for me and especially so, I want to have that nice warmth fuzzy feeling inside. There is no need for the open I love you declarations here and there, just knowing it is ample.

I am getting the point now as to why some couples decide to settle down all of a sudden. Perhaps, they feel this is it. I think, I am in no position to scrutinise their decisions as after all I am not in the relationship to actually judge. -Because, it is deep baby.

I love you because of your world-y possessions.

2009-06-29T00:56:00.004+08:00

So, the big hoo-ha thing is about Republic Polytechnic and H1N1. My dad and i watch the news yesterday and i was suprised to see that my school is the number two hotspots in Singapore other than that Army camp platoon place thingy (that's if i remember correctly.) The number of persons infected was 10 as of yesterday. Funny thing is, i got a sms from RP on friday that my LOA (Leave of Absence) is suspended and i have to report to school back on the 29th. In the first place, i wasnt officially issued to not come to class and stay at home for e-learning. I think i should drop this matter and not comment further.

I read an article on Newpaper about being externally validated and internally validated. I find it intresting because being externally validated have a great deal of linkage with gossip mongers. Yes, my folks- GOSSIP-MONGERS. After reading it, i thought i want to lean towards being more internally validated. As of now, i feel i lie in the centre of two extremes-of which i do not feel so proud of somehow. Being externally validated means that you are affected by what people around you thinks and vice versa. In a sense, you tend to be more inclined to other people's perception/comments and you mould yours just to fit into them. Let me quote myself as an example, I wasn't into dancing back then when i was in secondary school. But, the girls that i spend most of the time with are into it. Thus, i took the plunge and found myself doing pretty well but better in the malay dance aspect rather than modern dance. You see, cultivating something that i wasn't passionate about in the first place to something that i like throughout the years in my secondary school life. Now, without them it has somehow diminished.

Internally validated- This part requires that self-confidence i acquire through my experiences. Knowing what my priorities are, what i want and working hard for it. Forget about being recognised for my hard work with the praises and whatnots, knowing that i have put my effort in it is just enough. I do things based on my judgements and instincts and block off all those external influences. Let's look at things at a bigger scale, i think i should use the example that he had use in the article itself. "A man is dating a woman and he thinks she is damn hot & beautiful. But, his friends thinks she is just an average-looking girl. So, if that man is externally validated, he would change his perception to fit that of his friends. Now, his view is shaped and fed by others around him." Whats your say? For me, it's hard. Like what if we are in the corporate world?

Goodbye MJ and Farrah. Fyi, i am so jealous of somebody. He got himself a folding kayak. Farid, take me around the sunny little island with that please? Get me the four-thousand and eight hundred dollars kayak and i would instantly fall for you. (: And you know, you dont need to get a license for it anymore. The best part is, i dont need a kayak shed to store my kayak. Just that handy dandy backpack-backpack. Uber cool! Okay, dah.

Goodbye FrisknRomp, Hello Shaws!

2009-06-19T23:15:00.003+08:00

These are the very few regular kids that always visit the place once every fortnightly without fail. I know i am so going to miss them especially Sky and Shine; that two small chinese malay brothers (pictures not above). Sky never fails to slobber on my cheeks or give a hug or two from behind. Sweet kan? I know.

So how is TWEN-TEEN for me? Not that much really. The transition does not affect me so much because probably I am so looking forward to be TWENTY-ONE and then remain stagnant.Farid was being sweet, he called once it struck midnight and sing with some accompanied background sounds by his friends i guess? This week i ate machiam miss porky pig- Seoul Garden, Fish & Co., Swensons Ice-Cream Cake, Ban mian & Carrot cake and and last but not least yet again KFC Buddy Meal. Thank you Hafiz for that Barney-Girlish notebook, Mark, Qayyum and many many many lovers out there for the non stop hits of wishes-up till today actually.(Ah, Thoufic ehh. Tsk Tsk)

Next week, the exercise regime would strike back. I have this feeling but i do not know whether i should like do it? I can't wait to break some sweat tommorow at the cage for some rugby and baseball with the kids at Shaws. Burn calories burn! 5 kilos off the scale to 50kg seems like so far away. It seems like dejavu also that from a presume size 10, i should be wearing a size 8 now pasal kan kalau tidak ia longgar and unglam kalau melorot and nampak the panties! Haha. Now i feeling feeling want to ask mom to get for me the bright polka dots knickers from Marks&Spencer or girls boxers pon jadi uh. Color dia cute i tell you!

The most casual post yet ever by yours truly. Nothing suprises me now- Hello you stranger!

Oh, what a thing to do!

2009-06-10T03:10:00.005+08:00

I feel that we have to learn things on our own & at our own pace.

Let reality sink deep.

That is by making mistakes- miscalculated actions that seems to be coming from a wrong multiplication of risks that we deduce initially.

Sometimes there are things that is difficult to live with and whatmore, impossible to live without.

I think what lies is basically the fear of making a decision, what if we are making a mistake that we can't undo?

Learn to live for yourself woman, don't succumb to his sweet nothings.

Oh well, unless you get really burnt then you'd know when to put your hand away.

Till, then..

2009-06-03T20:14:00.002+08:00

"alot of women can look within and find happiness within. but, there are alot of women, just through the way the society is and the pressure that we have, have insecurity and have self-doubts."

how aptly, it defines.

Happy birthday to you, You are born in the zoo.

2009-06-03T19:57:00.003+08:00

Dude, Happy Happy Birthday to you! Hope you had a funky day today, be it with jeng jeng jeng or your mom or whoever that spents this special day with you. Okay, i shall not disclose what your real age is here. You see, i am nice. Thank you for always lending that sturdy shoulders for me to lean on. Thanks for those little things you have done for me and especially travelling all the way to Pahang just for the mere sake of accompanying. Not that, i like those indian comments/ selvi jokes you made, relentlessly of how much i hate it- i know it won't just stop.

YOU + HAFIZ + FAIZAL = MAYHEM

Let’s get mauled by the horrendous fact of life.

2009-06-01T13:39:00.009+08:00

She was in a state of utter mess. One thing was made clear that night. The feeling was literally eating her heart our alive; she was taunted by her dad remarks. An enormous amount of calls and text messages were received. She just simply chucked her phone inside the car and walked off. Egoistical, yes, that was it. Off she go – outpatient; needless to say she feels that it wasn’t at all important.

“You know that you are simply complacent. You tend to be satisfied with things so instantaneously. You accept things readily; you do not fight back with things that you are not happy with. You keep those bitter feelings to yourself; channeling it out on the wrong people or simply being rebellious in the stupidest way. That wasn’t supposed to be the way girl. Look at now, this feels shit right? I know effort and sweat was spent a lot on this. You think I didn’t know what you are doing other than knowing you being in school and seeing you sometimes at home or we barely even meet face to face, not until I came back home from sending your mom to work and you are all ready to go back to school again. Were you even mentally prepared for this, yes physically you thought you are since abang kaz and you successfully completed those 2 dry runs. I know you told your mom that I was always being a wet blanket; I did not always give you what you want but instead made you work hard for it. I do not want you to have the mindset that things come easy; and even if it requires hard work, it would not also go as planned. That is just how it is. I want you to be able to pick up the pieces when you fall. Don’t always spend time helping others, give yourself a break...” said her dad.

That phobia seeps in. It is like the other time when she was donating blood for the fifth time and she zonked out for a good 10 whole minutes. That phobia, yet she have not even safely declared it; she is beginning to be reluctant in doing so. Would she consider on saving another 3 lives again? Wait, what about hers?

I think she totally sucks. Come on, you can do better than this. You are degenerating yourself into the hole beyond the holey holes. Get a grip; don’t make it look so pathetic! -Because you are just not.

Well, maybe you are. Maybe you just should stick to what you do best.1:18. Not, 1:40?? Oh, of what significance???

You know, I know a liar when I see one because I am a liar.

2009-05-15T17:07:00.003+08:00

I know i am going to love this weekend. I am not working and the feeling is awesome. Saturday would be sun, sand and sea with my beloved cousins, uncles & aunties. I can't wait to see those little children. Ahmad Shafiq is going to be there too! Note to self: Fizah, please remember to collect those brownies.

You know, the things that I remember best – are those things I wasn't supposed to do and I did them anyway. Like i when i was young, i wasn't supposed to touch my late grandad's fishes. Still, my brother & i did. We ended up scooping those precious goldfish and not so precious guppies out of their respectives tanks. Giggling and jumping with the fishes in our hands till they die. Sadist sia! So, anyway i come out with this fool-proof idea of destroying it by the means of burning it. Hah! Imagine people, imagine- those black and charred fishes. I know you might be thinking why wouldn't we just threw it into the thrash. I seriously have no idea man. I think i was intoxicated with adrenaline to think properly. That came to a halt when suddennly, an awful smell succumbs and engulf the kitchen area.

Hafiz date was a success! My mom cute lah. Eh, of course. HA-HA. But, anyway, she like irritating me in a sort of way like asking me questions like: "Eh, what do you think they are doing eh?" and "Are they okay riding the bike together?" and and also like " You think your brother can make it or not?" Haha, mama please? How am i supposed to answer all that? Cause you know what, my brother school mates thinks he is a gay because he got no gf. Like what? Come on, he is the most awesomest person i know- not just because he is my brother. He is sweet in an irritating way. (:

"There comes a point in your life, when you're officially an adult. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious, a grown-up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up?" -I love this.

Guys, grow up please, a wee-bit?

My head is full. It's called thinking. Go ahead.

2009-05-06T23:41:00.006+08:00

I can live with imperfections. Living with imperfections that lies with people or any kind of situation. I understand that perfection can only be applied to math equations. Personally, that is my thought. Though, never mistook as i set limitations on it.

You know sometimes, i feel this urge that i have to perform. A set of standard that i have to meet, or if not i would deem "under-performed." At times, i am very happy to play my part, do whatever that i am supposed to do and make everyone feel at ease? But, sometimes... i just don't. I don't want to make anyone feel good. I just don't want.

I wish i know what you are thinking. I wish you could be able to validate that. Could it please be more clearer than day? Hot and cold? Please don't go. Tell me so. I got all confused.Time takes pleasure in making a ditch at us don't they? There would be moments where i feel stuck unable to move in any direction.

Some questioned me about my entries. I have a confession; many at times, the paragraphs do not link with one another. It's just in fragments. Some of course have a tendency to misunderstood. Even those who know me well, dont quite able to decipher. (:

Let's love & embrace people . Would you?

Please eat my heart out? Or if not take her out for a ride.

2009-05-01T00:40:00.005+08:00

Last weekend and the recent past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. I wasn't feeling okay at all. I was really bothered by the feelings i have surpressed for so long. The frustrations at work that have piled up each and every weekend for the past four months. Then, that moment break me. I don't scold people at such high and authoritive tone, but i did. It is a feeling like my mom should be proud of me for that moment. A feeling that i have triumph over a long cold war. I really loathe her. I was at the brink of crying. Crying so badly because i was damn freaking pissed and angry with all this mojo-madness, but i didnt managed to. I have two persons in mind to call, but after contemplating, i call one over the other. My voice was wavering. That was really an angry me, because i was slamming every door that i pass through each time.

I had my BTT, last wednesday. All i want to say is fuck to that cab driver. He better pray that i do not see him again. Not only he did not heed to my precise instructions of going by CTE then PIE and exit by Eunos; he got the cheek to get irritated with me. Who ask you to go Ubi by the Hougang way? Absolute, imbecile! I was practically sitting on the fence on as to whether or not to punch him on his face when i payed him the fare. For whats not worth it, i wasn't barely able to step into the class and i had to book another date which is a month from now.

That running partner was crying her heart out just now when we are about to have our regular after school run. It's the BGR thing. I was in an awkward position. I wasn't close enough to know the "proper" ways of comforting her. I wasn't close enough to be able to offer good advice that might be appropriate to her situation at hand, until we talk breifly and i had a clearer picture. I understand but at the same time, could not really relate that much because i have been out of touch. When she popped up that bonus question, i knew i could not run away from that fact. The fact of being in a relationship with someone that was not fond of by many of my close friends and that it is something that i was not proud of. In fact, i wish i could cut that roll of film and put back a new roll of film. If only back then..

Those few words have been dictated over and over again. It's not that i am being an ignorant. I think i just do not want to face it. It was all clear to you, but really for me, it was perhaps situated in the grey region. I could not tell which is the distinct black or white.

2009-04-19T21:35:00.005+08:00

It may just be history. Yet, many histories kept being retold and retold and retold yet again. Many at times and countless of times by that very fact, the simplicity of it is being tainted by the complexities of human nature where everything was based on perceptions. Very first perception on that instant whim of reading or knowing it. I am tired to quote examples. But for those who understand this chunk of gibberish, they would have the simplest examples in mind to illustrate this.

No, no. Don't get me wrong. I am not pointing fingers on who should be blamed or be responsible for it. It's just my mere thoughts. My solely thoughts that at times i feel people find it a sore? I dont know. You tell me. I am just beating around the bush here. Want to play merry-go-round too?

And so anyway, i thought now, how do i define happily ever after? Is it by having to satisfy all my wants and needs? Because you know, i felt that i can have all the money in the world, but i know it doesn't buy happiness as cliche as it seems. Because i know despite having all the best choices of things, you are still going to make mistakes. And because i know too that all my good intentions are being misunderstood at times.

What do i do now?-Let it be, let it be.

2009-04-14T01:07:00.001+08:00

Oh, dissapointment. I went to check online at SISTIC website and Love Potpourri is already sold out! Come on, I just got to know about it today while reading the papers in which they did a review about it. Oh shucks! But on the other hand, it’s R21. So, even if there are still tickets I am still unable to go. Unless, I dress up looking very mature so that when they glance at me at the entrance of The Arts house, I pass!

LOVE POTPOURRI
By Harry Dagoe Suharyadi / Indonesia / 2008 / R21 / 89 min
The Arts House - Screening Room 23rd Apr, 7:15pm

Eight short stories dealing with love and devotion in contemporary Indonesia

A boy takes on a number of odd jobs, hoping to save money to buy his object of affection. What happens when this object becomes a person? At a pirated video shop where European auteurs sit alongside Hollywood filmmakers, the video guy has to choose. Will it be instant or gourmet coffee? A young girl is supposed to love her mother and learn from her teacher. What happens when their roles are reversed? A Japanese man rescues a damsel in distress. But when will she pick up the phone?

A director has to please his nagging wife and demanding employers. Can he pull off the great escape? A property owner just had a terrible day. Can she take one more piece of bad news? A grateful driver has taken over his departing employer’s expensive pet fish. Will he sell it to sponsor his wife’s education? A mother wants to go to the Haj but is it right for her to take her son’s money?

With the help of the biggest 27 names in Indonesia's entertainment and media industry, writer-producer-director Harry Dagoe Suharyadi has made a film that is rich in ambition and broad in scope. He confronts issues of religion, polygamy and homosexuality and asks: what is the right thing to do? It’s an open-ended film and there are no easy answers.

-Perhaps the point is when it comes to love and devotion; there is no right or wrong.

2009-04-03T01:16:00.002+08:00

11 weeks of holidays would eventually come to an end- approximately in 3 weeks time. I don’t feel like going to school yet. I am happy and contented with the life I am leading now. Sleeping and waking up at any time of the day. When school starts, I barely am going to have time to chill no more. Seriously!

With PP to handle, tests & “exams” that I have to be serious in or my results would be in jeopardy. Anyway, having a new dictator in the institution is no fun. In fact, he ceased whatever contributions the first dictator has done. One by one, things are being abolished and being put to place are the newer ones to at least say place the institution on a higher level/on par. Come on, if you people out there complain that the institution is not up to standard, why bother paying the effing fees and complain about it when you have already graduated? What’s the whole bloody point? If you think your results are so amazing in the first place, there isn’t much for you to put this institution into consideration when applying for a tertiary education back then; because apparently there are better institutions out there right?

Cest la vie. And later on, I want to give Hivelocity a piece of my mind. Damn it! I feel like punching that rude tom boy too. Urggh!! Speaking of rude, two days ago, I made my mom accompany me to one of the Starhub outlet.

Grumpy old woman: Okay, how can I help you ah?
Me: Ah, my plan will end in July so I thought of continuing it and planning to change phone. So, which phone am I eligible for?

Grumpy old woman: -Counts her fingers- 3 months only, now still more than three months- So, not yet.

Me: -Rolls my eyes- My plans ends on 1st of July. So, it is 3 months already.
Grumpy old woman: Ah, 1st of July ah? Okay. –Points to the poster- You eligible for this, this, this and this.

Me: Tell me more about those phones you pointed to me. What are the functions?
Grumpy old woman: All have same functions one-Those normal functions that phones now most have.

Me: So, you are telling me all these phones have WIFI and video calling etc?
Grumpy old woman: No, no don’t have.
Me: Wth. So, what’s normal function to you that most phones have now? Crap.

I stormed out of the outlet. My mom scolded me for being rude. What do I care? She should know her products well. It is as if I was being an irritant by asking questions- where I as a paying customer truly want to know. I wasn’t playing dumb.

I wasn’t being short tempered on purpose. Maybe, it’s the time of the month soon.

2009-03-31T22:09:00.002+08:00

there he stood, waiting.what would i do, if i was in his shoes? hopelessly, head over heels. you knew that chances is fading over time and things would not happen. for that matter, i would love to have that space filled. now for me, its not about being filled just for the sake of being filled. its more than that. not just being filled by anyone that drops by. it is about being filled by the one. thank you for being there when i have no one else. yes, no one knows me like the way you do.

i am not going into hiding,anymore.

& you should'nt be waiting anymore.

2009-03-27T22:44:00.002+08:00

after much contemplation, i decided to do it. got afew lads to back this thing up and tommorow is the day we go and recoup whatever that we possibly can. i just pray for good weather. come down to big splash and render us your support. you'd be suprised wth the things that you can get at awfully cheap prices. just go with the flow. (:

2009-03-23T00:11:00.002+08:00

This pains me; I have no intention of bringing people down or to show off what my capabilities are. I help others for the pure underlying motive that I do want to offer assistance. What really gets me is-my crystal clear intention has its doubts. I am downright fucking angry by the buzz. You said I have attitude? Fuck you! You have not seen what attitude is from me you bitch! You damn messy woman, your work standards have no match against mine. That cheek of yours to say that I am scared? Fat ass, hell no! Cut that pretence. Things that are coming out from me now on to you are big chunks of sarcasm that you can’t easily fathom. That’s going to be degrading you, imbecile! Optimist?-loser i say!

2009-03-21T23:58:00.002+08:00

what can i say? a really lovely & memorable experience.

pahang was an awesome 9 hours ride and over 600km away.

which few of us could ride a 4wheel-drive that's very fast & furious?

not to mention the view up on the mountains and passing through waterfalls on a 4WD

caving, trekking the slippery and i can say kinda' treacherous track.

one failed move i think the minimum impact could be a broken leg.

the kids was an outgoing batch to begin with.

azmi, fidah, evelyn, stephen and mark was an easy lot to work with.

assignment uno~overseas; over and done with.

to begin with, i was skeptic. alas, it was a priceless experience.

not to mention- saham, i dah jatuh!

i got bitten by a leech on my tricep.

~love, fizah moments.

2009-03-12T00:37:00.003+08:00

let's put it this way- tit for tat.

there is no free coffee in this world, baby!

it's perfect now.

- just the way it should be

make it surreal.

2009-03-04T00:19:00.002+08:00

Let’s be frank down here. After all, this time, I do not want to do injustice to myself. When I read my entries from my Live journal; I feel irksome. I made a mistake, an uncalled for rash decision. A bad decision, stupid you name it. Decisions I pretty much know I am going to regret. But...still. Something inside me decides to do a crazy thing. A thing I know will probably turn around and bite me in the ass. Yet, I do it anyway. I do not like to be teased with that matter as a matter of fact. Yes, I may end giving a faint smile. I can’t blame those people; I myself after all am taken aback by saying yes. Damn it. It’s over, I have moved on since. I am a lot happier but am put off when someone blows foul air about it. And yes, double damn it, I missed a chance of a life time- a what could have been.

Today, I stepped into a Veterinary. Really cool though except for the constant whining of cats. I like the Doctors and Nurses uniform (by chance do they have different terms for doctor and nurse in a vet?)Or the uniform is called scrubs just like they used that term in Grey’s Anatomy? I do not know and I can’t be bothered to find out. Oh, oh the print on the uniform is really cute; baby elephants, giraffes and hippos. I feel like having one and make it as pyjamas at night. Ha-ha. What I am doing there by the way? That pet rabbit broke one of its nails and the bleeding did not stop. I do not know what the hell my little brother did to it because both of them love to do co-ordinated stunts together.

I am being offered to lead camps and expeditions in the heartland jungles of Malaysia. The first one would be in the middle of this month. Should I stay or should I go? The sound of Malaysia does not make me comfortable. ):

Kaki aku dah baik! Yeah yeah! Tak payah jumpa Dr Rodney lagi!

2009-02-20T02:40:00.002+08:00

its a positive recovery. good news,bravo! what? another round of treatment?

i am abit depressed. it would be the 5th time by then meeting Doctor Rodney.

i am constantly praying that next week would be it. done. fait. so that i could

go back to the 3 times a week routine.

at night now and then, i get constant hunger pangs. i think it must be

due to having improper meals. i get up at the earliest time at about 9am or

the latest would be 12 plus in the afternoon? by then, the breakfast that i

would fix for myself would be either koko crunch,cereals, nestum, bread &

nutella and milk or apple juice or milo. if all the above happen to run out, i just skip b'fast

cause im far too lazy to whip up items inside the fridge. when nobody's home,

my lazy mode is really on the loose! lunch?-nahh' by the time mom reaches

home it'd be four o'clock. she'd either starts to prepare for dinner or we would

meet up outside wait for the others and eat out as a family. that's dinner.

it has been a constant meet up. im tired. and yes, i kinda' miss the girls. i dont

know. time ticks away, people change. i change.

2009-02-17T23:59:00.002+08:00

A B

its that time of the year again. i wanna do something to my hair. friends,which one? personally, i like A. but, still B is nice too. abit edgy and there's texture.

haha, if you know what i mean. tell me? tell me?

but. i know, i won't rush into this.

FLOOD MY TAGBOARD, if you call yourself my friend. (:

2009-02-12T23:29:00.005+08:00

it's benign.

thank goodness.

i would be out of touch these two weeks

should i stay or should i go this fourteen-th?

vague,vague, vague

song my brother played and made it stuck to my head over & over again:

when you say nothing at all- Ronan Keating

maybe afterall, i should say nothing at all?

2009-02-03T23:54:00.006+08:00

Has it ever crossed your mindWhen we're hanging, spending time girl, are we just friends?Is there more, is there more?

No, there ain’t no more.

See it's a chance we've gotta take'Cause I believe that we can make this into something that will lastLast forever, forever
Forever? Bullshit.

Do you guys realised we literally have blind spots? The area of ignorance or sometimes I call it me feigning ignorance. (To some cases actually) It sometimes happen when someone say something unpleasant and you chose to filter that out from your ears preventing it reaching the cells in your brain which would then generate a comprehensive analysis of what has been spoken and in turn affect your emotions. I said to my friend “Eh, your breath stinks!” We are no more friends like we used to be from then on. Ha-ha

Take thou time April, for i shall immerse myself in this sweet sweet vacation!

2009-01-16T12:54:00.001+08:00

Everybody will eventually grow up and realised one day that not every story have a happy ending. Not everything that we dream of would turn into a reality. Everything could be pre-planned and drawn up with much perfection but only fate decides.

I turn to things and people that I trust. Looking around, I know I could not entirely say that my calls and judgements is a hundred percent fool proof. And it is not important that it’s happily ever after- just that it’s more of happy right now. See, once in awhile, I am surprised by myself- on things that I have set in mind. And once in a while, people do even take my breath away- what they do beyond their limits, astounded me.

I had said this to someone; in whom I mention that –Look knowing that you known someone long enough and typically have that “image” in mind that he/she is as such and such. What if, there is a certain thing about them that have yet to be furnished? What if you are not ready for the moment when the truth gets naked? You know it’s like secrets, if you let all the skeletons pile up and up in your closet, it’d get so full and you feel that it’d break.

Is there someone kind enough to get me The Time Traveller’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger? And/Or Ugly by Constance Briscoe? I want to banish my mom’s book away from my cupboards and fill up mine. (: I have been running on every alternate day for about an average 5km each day. Familiar faces I have seen at the stadium and manage to get acquainted with a few of them. Some are Guards from the nearby Bedok camp. Best, cute abestu Fit pula tu! HAHAHAHAHA! MENTEL! Abis ah, Ke-Melayu-an ku sudah terserlah. (: But, anyhow, what is next for me? Adidas Sundown 10k Women’s ah! Newton boleh tolak tepi sudah! Too many things to do in March -lah. Taraa! Love you people!

2009-01-08T10:13:00.002+08:00

It happened on Tuesday. Listen to this, what would you think about this phrase massive thigh? The first image that comes to my mind was a turkey. Ha-ha. I overheard a conversation by these two dudes which I deduce they are from SCDF judging from their pants. It is not as if I was eavesdropping and no they are not half naked. Let’s start from the beginning.

Two dudes- Dude A: Short Eurasian guy and Dude B: Skinny Chinese guy

Dude A: My GF is such a bitch! She goes around telling her friends that she is single where I over here still acknowledge her as my GF.
Dude B: What happen to you guys? I thought you guys patch things up just recently before Christmas?
Dude A: Yes, we do. But, later on she went silent as if she had run off with another guy. The best thing is this evening she wanted to meet up for dinner but I called earlier to make some changes. Guess what?! She flipped out. Just because I told her to come over my house for dinner as my parents want me home. She says she will think about it because she got some problems to settle?
Dude B: Chill! Chill! (Apparently, his voice is getting louder.) So, that’s the main reason you guys fought this time? That’s massive thigh! (No, I didn’t hear it wrongly and judging from other people’s reaction)

HA-HA. What does massive thigh means in that sentence? I feel like bursting out in laughter that point in time. Judging from their conversation, they seem like the atas kind of people. Dude A is extremely cute beyond infinity. Before Dude A left, his so called last few conversation goes like this “I don’t know man. Wait till I get prove….be over. Downside of it is when the hell I am going to get a GF again, since I am short.”

That rings a bell in my head, like I have heard it from somewhere. Hafiz, seem familiar not? He is not short, short. Maybe about 165cm, oh wait could be 160 cm though. Ah, he is just uber cute. Period. I drop at Tampines and met Farid. I told him about my bus journey and I don't know why i talk alot with him(maybe it has been a long time) and and he seems uninterested about it. I hate that when it happens. Do I always have to be the one listening?

–Think. That’s why I didn’t in the first place.

2008-12-30T14:47:00.003+08:00

It all seems so real. Yet, it gives me the reason to doubt each and every occurrence.For something good to happen, there is a price to pay. Nothing comes free in this world after all.

What can’t I just take what that’s given? I always fight for something that is beyond me. I love doing things that painstakingly requires all of me. I love going through the extra lengths.

Does it seem stupid? People often love the fruits of their labour but I prefer the process of it. I love getting my hands on all the details.

Now I am thinking. What would my New Year resolutions for 2009 be? I do not want to be highly ambitious nor too humble and shoddy about it.

Needless to say, I just want to be around people who make it real for me. -Around people who does not think or talk about themselves only. –Around people who very much loves who I am and not about what I can do or offer them.

2008-12-16T14:43:00.002+08:00

First, it was Michel then Sel. Now, Mel and Reinny are following suit. The people I look forward to once I stepped into work. Now, these two are taking a step farther to pursue their own happiness and dreams. Mel has found that she have immense passion towards preschool teaching and Reinny travelling half way around the globe to France to be with the one she loves. Even though, she has told me her reservations and uncertainties that might happen. What more, a very foreign country. I can totally understand how small she’d feel and if anything happens there’s very likely almost no one that she could turn to. Nic ought to better treat her well. Mel, I foresee her adapting in Melbourne would be a breeze. I’m going to miss you two like crazy.

I need to find new motivation –Angie would be the best next thing. Mark has been poached to MY GYM and Hafiz, hmmm once every fortnightly. He has been dropping hints here and there that he too would be leaving. What, Lilliput eh? (: So, I can’t put much hope or induced happiness on these two buggers. Now, I wish Joe was here. Ha-ha Nonetheless, I feel those children and I am being biased down here, those well behaved ones are going to be the ones that I divert my outmost energy to. I’d be damn right silliest with them and they would not think I am making a spectacle of myself. What more, I’d appear “intellectual” to them. O.0” Hah! I know Hafiz and Mark are so going to comment after reading this. *Bleargh!*

MUALLAF -Anyone?
And Angus is so out very soon.

Mum: Your dad’s birthday nak dekat. Any ideas?
Me: Idk. He’s your husband. Mama should tahu ape benda he is lacking right?
Mum: What’s that suppose to mean? (Smiling coyly)
Me: Correct what. And what’s that smile for? I mean as in barang barang that he needs to get a change like his shaver, cologne or get new shoes or even wallet again. I don’t know you know him so much better than me. Hah! Jangan jangan mama salah interprete the lacking part eh?
Mum: (Stern) Watch what you are saying!
Both of us started to burst out in laughter. Action only ah mother!

2008-12-08T23:02:00.001+08:00

The greatest event of the year has ended. The number of participants was overwhelming I tell you. 5 minutes before at the Start line, I turned and saw those tiny humans at the far end which look like an army of ants. Each full marathoners running past the road beside us, swarm of women, we gave out shriek and yells of encouragement.
Prior to that, the night before, that damn Miss Polly decided to come and visit. Indeed, I was frustrated. I decided to sleep away and not even think about it. So, the next day, in the midst of it all I was cursing myself on why I have to endure this. It was hot and I am in such an uncomfortable condition. I practically stop at every drink booth because really I was feeling so dehydrated after every 2km.

End. An hour and five minutes
Home, Bathe, Sleep & Eve of Aidiladha- Family Dinner (: That’s more like it.

2008-12-02T21:09:00.001+08:00

There is so much craziness. I want to be Super girl. Well, not exactly –lah. It’s not as if I have some hot body that I can pull off wearing a tight kissing top with that red mini skirt and cape. Years down the road, well perhaps if I turn anorexic. How could that possibly happen, when you are anorexic- it’s not a beautiful sight baby. Oh yes, back to the Super girl part. In my opinion and my only opinion, it’s kind of flattering to hear the boys say- You’re my Super girl instead of You’re beautiful. Ha-ha. Random, very random thoughts As in to say that, you are one of a kind and exquisite. What am I blabbering down here? xD Beautiful is like erm, which part again boy beautiful or what aspect that defines beauty to you boy? (:

Holidays just round the corner. I am so effing excited. Mom and dad are very busy with their work at this point in time. Where I thought, this season of jolly, their work should be less uptight. Hafiz has just passed his last practical and now waiting for his awaited TP next month. Adrenaline rush! He can send and fetch me at my beck and call. Ha-ha. Hafiq is pretty much the same; I hope he grows into that adolescent stage soon. That’s family for me. How’s yours?

2008-11-27T16:11:00.001+08:00

Meredith: Human beings need a lot of things to feel alive.

George: Family . . .

Cristina: Love . . .

Izzie: Sex.

Derek: But we only need one thing . . .

Burke: To actually be alive.

Cristina: We need a beating heart.

Addison: When our heart is threatened . . .

Alex: we respond in one of two ways.

George: We either run or . . .

Izzie: we attack.

Chief: There's a scientific term for this:

Alex: Fight . . .

Addison: or flight.

Bailey: It’s instinct . . .

Meredith: We can't control it.

Izzie: Or can we?

What do you need to feel alive my friends? I find that quite hard to answer. Because after all, I do need many many many things Things that I do not know how to differentiate whether it is a necessity at the end of it. Do you? The funny thing is, sometimes I feel that I really know myself. Yet, what irritates me is the fact that when I calm myself down and let things through, I do not know how or which to choose? It goes around and around and I come back to the same point where I left. At that instance, is how I actually made stupid rash decisions Silly, silly me

2008-11-17T23:47:00.000+08:00

I wish I could get myself hypnotized. Hence, I am able to stay in a state of utter delusion. What a beautiful mess! This post has no absolute intention, random and not in any order. It’s just fragments by fragments of thoughts that fill up every nook and cranes of my mind. I am happy, sad, weary, and miss a couple of I shall say significant people in my life. Yes, my uncle is one of them. I am happy because efforts are paying off and I believe coming under 1 hour 10 minutes for the 10km or lesser to about an hour is no longer an impossible feat. Achieving 55kg is just a stone throw away which would then drive me to diminish another 5 kilo’s off the scale. That would then be the final leg of the “weight-race.” I am sad, well, let’s not talk about it. I am not weary physically but mentally. It’s not as if I have tons of problems. It’s just that I have been thinking a lot lately. About the frailty of life, parent’s expectations, responsibilities and basically what I really want to have and achieve. Like I have said and would say again, I hate uncertainties. If something that does not give me a guarantee or a plausible outcome, I’d tend to lose faith. That, is not good news my people. When faith is already not there, nothing said could change it. I admit I am egoistical too. If some of you feel slighted that I have not been updating much of myself (catch up/get together) and much less of what I seem to be where I talk hazily which seem that I don’t give a damn/don’t care yada yada, it’s just the current evolution of me. Oh, if you feel that you are running out of time or something have struck a realization in you, quick put yourself into action! And yes, I can’t wait for this year to come to an end. Start a whole new hopefully better year ahead-start travelling round the world (well, Asia first. Where I got so much money) on my own, integrate into enhancing less fortunate/special children’s life, participate in women races and get active in school by being hands on in SHL stuffs.That’s not a mouthful right? I think I may have used some words and phrases inappropriately.

Gasak-lah! (:

2008-11-13T23:05:00.001+08:00

Please don’t add to the numbers. A definite impossible feat, it’s like asking a miracle to happen there and then. I feel that I am a walking time bomb. Not that I would explode out in fury but I foresee an enormous emotional waves shrouding over. Please make me stronger than this. I need it; I need to put up a brave front. Not that I want to, but I have to. I wish I am a kid now. I wish to hear those sweet little lies, being naïve and believing that we all can have a happy ever after life. Nobody gets to die and all our wishes can come true. When I was a kid, it’s easy to make me happy the whole day- just get me chupa chups or a mere choki choki. No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, whether we like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth: It hurts. It hurts, knowing you are going away uncle. When, I least expect it. Or for that matter, where we least expect.

2008-10-31T00:00:00.000+08:00

Getting a message across without having the qualms is no easy feat. There are bound to be misinterpretation which creates a big hoo-ha of misunderstandings. Like I have said and I will say it again, our motive, intention or subject matter ought to be crystal clear. If I want to be discreet about my life, my personal on goings and all the melodramas that I had been and am going through for instance, I obviously would not use the internet as a form of penning it all down. Sentences use can be vague and underlying intent could just be a false impression all along. At the end of the day, readers read it and take it as it is unless you care to clarify things; which I highly doubt so.

Hey Jane, let me tell you something about me. Perhaps, I wasn’t so clear myself or after all these years you do not know who and what makes me, me. I am so weary now that I have decided to just give it to you here there and then. Yes, we talk Jane, we talk. But, haven’t you realized something, at times it is just a one way track. Your opinions, your views are just solely based on your thinking. A thinking that it is so hard to change and that it sometimes lay solely on your biasness. Why I didn’t say so after all these years, because I feel you ought to realize one day. I am the sort of person who doesn’t give it straight. My body language speaks a more definitive vocabulary. My bad Jane, my bad, that I wasn’t being frank. What you’ve said all along, and if I don’t seem to agree upon it, I would just give a faint smile. A smile that does not mean I agree Jane. It’s a smile that embeds “well, that’s your thinking and I don’t have a say to that.” As if I do rebutt you, you’d just turn the tables around and say that look that is my thinking and I am entitled to it. Tell me now Jane, after all do you know me? Look back Jane, the sacrifices you made for others that you call friends and going the extra mile, where have they been Jane? I don’t need the gratitude shit for being a listening ear to you because I do not expect any gains from it as I empathized. I am frustrated Jane, you do not know where your priorities are. Get a control of your life and only pain makes you stronger. Feel the pain, Jane.

Jane, you have under estimate me; what you have shared with me about your life, I kept it. I don’t see a need to publicize it. I am shocked that words regarding someone else’s mom were let loose. Imagine, Jane if it was you that we are talking about here. Would you not throw a fiddle fit and make a big fuss if words get around you? I am sure you would. Jane, Tiger and I are just good friends and are platonic as clear as day. We talk regularly on the phone since eons ago. Yes, he have his set of peculiar behavior and mindset that makes him, him. I do not always agree with him too and he understands that because all of us are their own individuals. Our mindset ought to be appropriate and aptly fall into place. Society does not change for us so that we can blend in but we accommodate to society and try to fit in. Now, I understand that you are going through a predicament. Grit through, you are all alone now. That’s all Jane.

2008-10-29T23:53:00.000+08:00

Let’s faced it that our dreams have become a nightmare That reality are the only realms of staying sober. Illusions and hopes are just the comfort boundaries that elevate our spirits high up. Problems are sometimes easily detected. It’s a step by step process where we first look on the surface to see signs of trouble. Most of the time, we can't tell what's wrong with somebody by just looking at them. After all, they can look perfectly fine on the outside, while their insides tell a whole other story. Not all wounds are superficial. Most wounds run deeper than you can imagine. You can't see them with the naked eye. And then there are the wounds that take us by surprise. The trick with any kind of wound is to dig down and find the real source of the pain - and once you've found it, try like hell to heal that sucker.

2008-10-24T22:37:00.000+08:00

Many random thoughts have been circulating round my head lately. Like Peter who ask about the main difference between a womanizer and a playboy to topics that I could talk about with ghosts; if I have summon enough courage to do so. I began to see that I should not be caught angry lest people around would suffer too. Anger most of the time drives me to the edge, when it does it also ropes in an awful lot of people with me. I am sure many of my closed friends have yet to see me in that state because I usually suppressed it. Not because I am weakling but it is such an ugly side of me. This brings me to a point where there are individuals out there who labels me as piece of living contradiction.

I don’t owe anyone a living. People in general can be categorized in two ways- those who are a load full of ironies themselves and mother fuckingly do not realized that they have been digging up their own grave. The other one reacts and respond aptly. It is not wrong to say that everyone have made their version of contradictions or basic things like telling lies. Don’t try to dictate other people, get a control of your life first. What I always question or ponder about when bad things go around me is the intention of the person themselves. What are they trying to achieve because I like to be in the know.

We have to know we have what it takes. We have to know what we are capable of right. We have to know why those people are doing such instances. Attention, superiority or jealousy you name it. Am I rambling down here? I think I am. My point is this: whoever said "What you don't know can't hurt you", was a complete and total moron. Because for me, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.

2008-10-15T09:43:00.002+08:00

Michel’s 23rd Birthday was awesome baby! Though ¾ of her friends we do not even know who. Her boyfriend is nice & friendly. We bought her a sexy red Zippo lighter with the rolling stone icon. Mel remembered that she always misplaces her lighter and the two of us manage to catch “Mitch’s Weird Intro Move”, once again. Mel and I then, sneak off and sit at the benches in front of the skate shop where the bar Vista had these two dudes doing acoustic. How much I am into acoustic you know or not? Voice, darn good for a local and songs were double awesome baby! Both of us were mesmerized by the way he strums the guitar and that creates the urge for us to pick up. –Yet, cannot make it one! Surely, give up first way through. xD

Farid met up with me on Saturday night after work. It has been ages since Maroon 5 and I have got over what he said back then over the phone. One of the things I like meeting up with him is because he is the same like my other closed guy friends who never fails to crack me up. That is the only good thing about him that I can think of as of now. The rest I shall keep to my own self lest there is an outburst of emotions coming from me. Now, I am not sure if a pretty and colorful picture would eventually come out of these. I am being skeptical down here.

The last couple of days with no more than 4 hours of sleep each are killing me. I so can feel it. I didn’t go to school on Monday as I couldn’t open my left eye. PANIC ATTACK! Thank god it wasn’t serious. It was just some strain due to lack of sleep which is not healthy for me. I had to wear the eye patch for 3 hours. Kental sey! I need sleep because I am increasing mileage very soon. No sleep means bad news for me as I have to wake up early in the morning for school, feeling groggy. The word groggy has made a fool out of me at work on Saturday. Stupid, Fizah! Nonetheless, body cells would not be able to repair properly and I have not been eating well, I know. Good that comes out from these is that my weight is going down. –find the paradox in this paragraph. (:

Wishful thinking that makes me happy currently- I WANT AN ANG-MOH BF just like Drake in Drake and Josh WHO CAN SING AND PLAYS THE GUITAR! That, I don’t call being skeptic. Ha-ha

2008-10-07T22:50:00.001+08:00

Today, I learn the significant value of life. Today, I really see how frail life can be. It was just right before my own eyes. It leaves me with such a deep impact; that I now truly embrace and appreciate what I have. It just takes a split second for the tables to turn around. For you to be poor, losing your loved ones and all the great things you dream of doing. It was all robbed! It got me thinking now, what if that man was my father, brother, best friend, classmate or even just a hello and goodbye friend. Neither of you have to agree or disagree of what have been said here. By saying that I am deeply overwhelmed, or by knowing that you felt frustrated today for instance, only I know the degree of how deep that event has embedded in me. For you, only you yourself know the degree of frustrations you are feeling. Main point is, don’t be too quick to empathize until to the very fact that you are actually on the same level as the person thus, to actually share the same sentiments.

Our being is subject to all the chances of life. There are so many things we are capable of, that we could be or do. Grab that chance! Live as if tomorrow never comes.

2008-10-04T18:30:00.000+08:00

All for the right reasons. Though, there are things that you just don’t see it coming. Being a fool that I can be at times, I am scared that I would miss a damn good once in a lifetime opportunity. I am such a fool at times that I cannot realize the obvious things that is happening. I for one am much settled to use the word-naive to describe me aptly. Other people’s words are a good mirror to use and reflect upon.

It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away. Have you ever thought about it or it crosses you mind? What if whatever that you have been aiming for or fighting for is just not it. There is a better option and that option is just meant for you. Like for example, your dream job is to be a doctor and you are working towards that line. There are signs that show you that you are more cut out to be a chef, but you are blinded. Blinded by the strong desire or what it seems to you are more right and you know what you want best. Yet, you are wrong. Just wrong. The perfect job is just right in front.

Often, too often, we screw up and blow up our chances. Wait. Hope. That if a best opportunity arises, I certainly hope that I am not blinded So, keep knocking on my door till I listened.

2008-09-28T00:20:00.002+08:00

i could have been sleeping now. because i have to go to work tommorow. but, i didnt. and so, i did this quiz that i stumble upon when i read esna's blog. the points that is in italics is what i agree with. well, for others, you be the judge. (:

Your view on yourself:You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You prefer to get to know a person very well.

The seriousness of your love:You like to flirt and behave seductively.(That sentence i totally disagree-seductive eh??).That's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education:You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Sahur!!!Sahur...

2008-09-27T05:13:00.004+08:00

Ever a time you wonder where you should and who you should look for when you just need a person to just be there for you. The person to just stand there at one corner and you’d be contented knowing that you can just walk up to the person as and when needed. Oh and I am not referring to disposable friends. I mean a friend that you don’t have to keep in touch everyday or talk with but you just know your arse is covered and you have been in their lookout all along. It’s something you don’t have to ask from them.

Problem 3 grades have been a straight B’s. The comments are similar for all the 5 modules, like for example Faci’s who have been giving me straight A’s for the past 2 problems expect me to break out of my comfy chair and do more. Hello, at times you just don’t have the mood to participate actively and be a chatterbox at meeting 3. Mood fluctuates just like stocks prices in the market. Oh no, why I am using Enterprise stuff as an analogy?

On the twenty-fifth of September was Shimy’s 20th Birthday. And I am contented to know that she loves the companionship from my family and Namira. Yelah, she is my mom’s god daughter now. (: Namira, when’s your turn? Ha-ha.

Sharil, ask me yesterday: “Where’s your version of Jamie Scott or any other "atas" mat sallehs?"(cause i rmbr eons back. i told him that i want to have extremely cute babies -WHEN I GET MARRIED IN FUTURE THAT IS; mat sallehs is the best option) Sabar aje, mentang mentang dia dah ade minah tudung dia.But, I am happy for him-lah. Like, finally!! Ramadan’s drawing to an end, Aidilfitri is round the corner. Yes!! Holiday No need to go school for two days.

2008-09-22T10:39:00.000+08:00

How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon Too much information Too much fun Too much love Too much to ask And when is it all just too much to bear? 'Cause good things aren't always what they seem

A fresh start tends to open up when you have faced it. Faced the consequences of being naughty, caught stealing, cheated on your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife and yada yada you get my idea. Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begin? It’s you, damn it. Ideally, a fresh start gives us new hope and a new way of looking at things; let go of bad memories, bad habits.

Yet, there’s this piece of irony I believe in that amid all the crap; there are still a few things worth holding on to.

2008-09-17T22:17:00.000+08:00

The future looks bleak. I am really scared now. There are so many uncertainties. And you know how I hate it when things are uncertain or I am uncertain. That image in front of me yesterday, I wouldn’t want to imagine my immediate ones to take up that position, though it is inevitable. I don’t know if I was strong enough to hold up that enormous pile of emotions. I was so choked up yesterday. One after another, I thought. I stood one corner without any words came out of my mouth the whole day. Ego, I name it. Finally, I’ve lost the battle. After it all, there is so much that one could take; hot tears eventually flow and it’s not going to stop yesterday. I know. Redha

AL-FATEHA.
Just so you know, I was looking out for you in the midst of it all.

2008-09-11T21:38:00.001+08:00

Semester Two is a drag for me. I have gradually lost the zest of going to class for lessons. I mean I can’t blame fasting month for the uber lethargic feeling. I tell you I still have yet to get over the fact that school are so far away from home. Yes, yes whatever same old thing. Grow up, Fizah! Balik, balik pasal duduk dalam bus berjam-jam.

It’s agony but ya, whatever! There is always an issue where you will not get over it until it had totally sink in and there’s nothing that you can change about it; but to just live it up! On a positive note, I know I would get over the stupid phase. That’s me, get bogged down by a rough patch, I’d mopped around first and whine about it. Then, eventually get over it.

BAIK AH, FIZAH!

The second version of W14K is actually fine and dandy but nothing compared to the other. There’s no one to replace people like Wan Qi, Durrah, Ida, Nizam, Andika, Aisyah and sorry to those names I’ve not mention. I miss my teh-peng moments with my chatty cat. My sing-along sessions; Wait! -More of a scream-along session.

Tok Wawa has left. I don’t foresee this year’s Raya is going to be like the previous years. Many things have changed; a drastic one that is. I couldn’t keep up, let me just let the matter settled into my conscious slowly and steadily.

My two women, I am going to be MIA-ing from you guys for quite awhile. I hope both of you are coping well and if a need be, you know where to reach me. Other than that, don’t find me till I find you. Much love

2008-09-01T22:58:00.002+08:00

The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good, and twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad, and no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something, and there's only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomach ache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

I like that. Too much of a good thing is bad. Too much of a bad thing is never good at all. Period. Simple as that.

2008-08-29T16:02:00.000+08:00

Boundaries don’t keep other people out, they actually fence you in. Life is messy; that’s how we are made. I can waste my life drawing lines or I can live my life crossing them. But, there are some lines which are way too dangerous to cross. Here’s what I know. At some point, we all have to make a decision. That means by taking chances and putting things at stake. The outcomes are left between two extremes.

I am guessing everyone likes pain in your own kind of definition. I admit I sometimes love being sick, injured. The feeling of being helpless goes to show that we are no ironman. I don’t know, perhaps without pain, sickness or even sadness, we just wouldn’t feel real.Bed of roses does not make a good bed for life. Sheesh! : X

Pain; breathe deep and just wait for it to subside.

2008-08-27T20:29:00.000+08:00

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say because there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

i need to learn to ask for things i really need. wait,firm.

i love who i am.screw you!

the hot dumb naive girl.

note to self, only for this post

2008-08-26T23:36:00.000+08:00

i find it intresting. wordpress shitt

They say men are visually-stimulated. Man, to a certain extent, that’s not fair to us woman eyy. I read a few articles on the net two days back, where, the husband is no longer interested in being romantic with the wife anymore just because his finding a hard time finding her waist. Yes, what happen to the “for the better or worst part.” This is men; this entire exteriority factor stresses many woman especially teenage girls whose swinging by to find their version of absolute love/r.

I am not saying that judging on physical appearances is a sin or bad, only if the guy stresses on it too much. I personally feel that first impression really counts. That’s where you can say stereotyping might somehow found its place. That’s how it breeds. I quote this, “Sometimes, the exterior look of a person mimics their interior feelings, including self worth. It can be a mirror of who you are.”

I did relatively well for Semester 1 which I least expect it to be. On another note, Ramadan is just round the corner. I want to try to perform my obligations of a good Muslim including terawih. Mom already had given me one of her long winded lectures. I would try my best mom, especially this year I am fasting in Singapore and have no because-I-am-a-musafir excuse to use like the last two years; KL and the Philippines.

Oh yes, my class is still W14K. (:

2008-08-25T15:15:00.005+08:00

that depicts love.

let's cast aside our differences and work on what we have in common.

don't you just love the warm and fuzzy feeling?

and that everything seem so perfect and flawless.

that is what keeps people going and moving on...

2008-08-21T17:40:00.002+08:00

They say people will change when reality sinks in to them. Reality taught them that it’s high time for amends and adjust. Reality taught them that all this while, the steps they have taken was uncalled-for. I watched Grey’s Anatomy repeat telecast the other time, late in the afternoon. The scene where Yang had a miscarriage and Izzie went in the room telling her guess and assumptions was right all along about this certain patient. The part where she couldn’t stop crying even how hard she tries to. That’s where reality sinks in for her. I wish those stinky people who think they own the world would get hit by reality real soon. Let’s not be in denial, shall we? Let’s change for what we are and not for what we think we are.

2008-08-19T00:04:00.000+08:00

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY to YOU!!!

Me: You learn Mandarin in school right?
Ikabella: Yes. Daddy told me to.
Me: So, speak a few words and teach me.
Ikabella: Oh I don’t know.(Give me a stupid but really can melt your heart kind of grin.)
Me: Please. For me
Ikabella: Well, AAAARGGHHH!!!
Me: That’s not mandarin.
Ikabella: Yes. It is.
Me: Oh then, tell me what it means.
Ikabella: It means… you are a very naughty girl.

Me: (I just couldn't stop laughing.)
Ikabella: AAARRGHHH!! AAARGGHHH!! AARRGHHHHH!!

Well,that's kids for me. And that's why I love them.

2008-08-17T23:40:00.005+08:00

I am perplexed. Much to my dismay, I can’t point out exactly why. My heartbeat and breathing has been very irregular these days. I get panic attack occasionally too. Running recently has been addictive. My legs always have that hunger pangs to go miles and miles. It feels like the good old days when I had land trainings for Dragon boat. The question that linger at the back of my mind is if I still have that much gas to reach back home.

(Not to worry; EZ-Link is just a pocket away.)

As much as I want to rip my heart out and wrenched all the juiced out; just to get a peaceful sleep at night, I really wonder what is the main cause of this anxiety in me. Relationship back at home is good yet what am I lacking and yearning for? I don’t have that special someone to think about or worry for; maybe do I? Who the hell man? It couldn’t be Farid or Sharil. That is so out of question. I so ditched them beyond holes of holy holes. Well, holy, maybe.

(Don’t tell me something bad is going to happen soon.)

Let me shoved that aside, I have finished reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. Boy, it was good. Very moving, usage of words is darn good too. Two thumbs up, I could even lift my two big toes. I can’t wait to start on The Girl in The Picture by Denise Chong. I shall indulge myself in books, organic strawberries and grape juice these holidays. Living healthily, shedding some kilos to a good 55kg, all prep up for Standard Chartered 10km and I would then be a happy goober and anxiety for a moment would diminish.

(Like typing the previous sentence down have somewhat help subside the anxiety.)

All that talk, I forgotten that I once want to write a dedication for my dear W14K. Semester One have ended, it’s a good start for me being in that class knowing nuts about Republic Polytechnic. I have to drag myself to school each day just dreading the bus rides to and fro. But, knowing the fact that class would be uberly fun and crazy; I persist. Semester Two is a whole new beginning once again. Now, this RP system sucks. I would have to relive my “first day primary one” moments over and over again for each freaking Semester in school. Oh, did i mention that SHL camp was a major flop. Period. Yes, I hate to play ball games with boys who have balls too.

Damn it.

2008-08-11T00:24:00.004+08:00

Do you paint me in your sunshine? I only see blots of grey that sunny day. I don’t like what I am feeling now. I want them to see my flaws. I want them to see my un-glam moments. I want them to be there for me, knowing me as I am. What if they see too much of my perfectness and come to know the hideous truth eventually; would it taint everything? Could I even salvage the moment if that happens?

Yet, there is this irritating feeling that things are not that simple. Things don’t just want me have my own way. I would live to trade it up to get that absolute. Getting irritated and jealous over petty things is exhausting me. My balloon of hope on them is deflated. H-O-P-E has vanished. Simply and cliché as it may sound, I live by the day.

I manage to catch a glimpse of fireworks at work last Saturday. Work without Mel and Mitch have lose a-bit of its essence. Uma told me Ika was really beautiful on her engagement day. Shucks! I wish I was there to see that happy moment of hers. Then, I wonder how would my engagement day would be like. Would I be truly happy? Is he the right man for me? As to date, I have met a couple of jerks these recent years. Yes, I believe in engagement and not to just get married to my future husband to be. Like, what I say to Uma that morning walk to work, my reason is to know him deeper, his family and let loose of my character. I want to get as comfortable as I can with him so that it would not be so much of a “culture shock.”

Well, so much for the rumah-tangga thoughts. I just realized that what mum said over supper just now do make sense. Like HELLO, I can get married in 5 years time and in today’s context, 5 years is not a long period of time. (Boys minds roam freely when they read FHM and whatnot while girls do something more conservative and serious.) (: Well, it’s a- bit to tad early for me. But, it’s something worth considering and think about. My workmate whose turning 27 is getting panicky already because she have yet to own a soul mate while many of her friends are either married or planning to. She used to think it is not important for her during her peak moments to flirt seriously. Women lose their value over time and that does not apply to men; which is not fair! (Oh, it does not apply to man who loves older woman though.)

I have nothing against flirting. Flirting is good. Girls don’t check out for boops though. We go for something more towards intellect. Hah! Macam paham aje. Obviously, exteriority counts as a trigger factor. Time, fate and that chemistry both people have would then catalyze whether it’s for or against.

2008-07-29T10:52:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, when you lose that moment that is meant to be yours, you can’t help it but blame yourself for it. Sometimes, you wish you really knew what you want. Yet, sometimes you just do not want to acknowledge what have been laid in front of you.

Looking at others people’s plight where they have lost their loved ones or things along the way just to get that absolute happiness that they wanted. Or the person is being mock at because of their selfishness of pursuing what they want. Is it worth it?

I do not exactly have a stand to make. Perhaps, I myself do not want to acknowledge the true fact that I know what I really want.

2008-07-22T08:57:00.003+08:00

Last Sunday, ever guilty retail therapy session with Shima and Hafiz at City hall. Actually, in the morning, we volunteered (Namira too) as Road Marshals for Shapes Run. As always and like previous experiences with other events, they effingly have bad management skills. Though, Shapes Run committee does not have to worry about that because they are not rank first on my list. However, Saucony 100 Plus Passion run last year did gave an everlasting impression on me. Man, they are good and yes, Namira obviously would also agree on that point too. It was awfully tiring as we walk a lot. They got only 1 freaking small van to accommodate at least 30 odd volunteers within the 10km route. So imagine that we had to walk about 4km in total excluding my walk up and down Marina Square, Ct Link and Peninsula.

I regret the things I regretted of not purchasing Colbie, Maroon 5 and Jamie Scott’s album. (: Ironically that small voice inside of me says its okay because if not I would be bothered about the balance in my account. I have already bought new specs that have cost almost ¾ of my pay but thankfully mum chips in too. The picture above is the things that Shima and I got for ourselves and on top of that I got a Ripcurl slippers in exchange for a Ripcurl bag (that is stained)initially.

I have turned the offer down flatly. Though, I would really love to go. It’s too good to be true. I don’t want to be look upon as taking advantage of the whole situation. I don’t want to be the talk of the town in your group of friends. On the flipside of things, while my family have been on the happy goober mood it is the opposite for my aunt and my cousin. Their marriages are hitting the rocks and are going through that divorce process. The thing is; I noticed a weird pattern. I should just keep it to myself as it could be a mere coincidence only.

2008-07-13T00:01:00.001+08:00

So semester one ending pretty soon in about 3 weeks plus. Nice and not so nice. For once, my UT results do not seem to look so good even though my daily grades are mostly above average but UT results are pulling my GPA down. Like urggh!! Computing Maths cannot make it. I just really hope I manage to scrape through and not to have to repeat the module again. I just can’t wait to start my Sports Science modules next year on.

My polar bear, Shafiq recently got admitted for pneumonia and water retention in the lungs. I hate to see small kids having to bear diseases or any kind of sickness. He is getting skinnier now. I won’t be able to pinch him so much or cuddle him that tight. He is so sick that he is not able to greet me the way he usually does. Oh-my-god, it is so heart wrenching. Please, get better Shafiq.

Anyway, as I am working in an environment where I am dealing with mostly children age 6 years old and below, I have developed so much affection towards them. They have become my motivation of going to work. I find so much contentment in attending to them. My affection applies much on kids who have special needs. There’s this one kid name Adam who is 3 years old if I am not wrong and he suffers from a condition where his muscles does not work the way it should be. He got weak limbs and he and his Dad usually comes over to our play club in the hope of letting him be independent and train his muscles up by going up and down the maze and the slides. I really love keeping him company and talking to him even though his Dad have told me that he can only say two words at a time. He get scared easily too if the place becomes too crowded and sometimes I can see envy in his eyes when he notice boys his age are running all over the place like nobody’s business.

I am going to work towards that. If by any chance that I am not able to pursue my studies further in obtaining my degree or get a place in NIE. I’d be an educator specializing towards helping the development of the children especially when they have a chronic disease and don’t have much time on their hands.

Janna finally got herself a boyfriend! I envy her lah! (So bahagia together.)

2008-07-07T19:33:00.001+08:00

Had a mini gathering with Thoufic and the others over at Bugis last Friday evening. He treat us dinner and we chatted. As always, Nas and Hafiz have their own versions of jokes up their sleeves. Talking about that Thoufic bugger, I remember those moments back in ITE. Two of us had always been not able to decipher each other’s sentences. Obviously, it results in a miscommunication. One by one, the boys whom I usually hang out are going to be enlisted and “serve the nation.” I am going to miss them for quite awhile. Updates about Joe, he told me that he is beginning to cope with the trainings and all, which is good. I hope he’d keep up with his image to continue and shave his “roaches legs/feelers” (moustache-cannot make it) while his in there so eventually it’d become a good grooming habit. (: Did I tell you that he looks so much better with a tanned?

I move to BlogSpot typically because the other time I wanted to change LJ layout and then at last cannot make it. Entries posted sometimes distorted which I don’t know whether you guys have seen it or not. I feel it’s time for a change, looking at things on a newer perspective. I would not delete my LJ. It’s a reflection for me, things or events happened in the past which sometimes highlighted a few good learning points. I am best at my present because my past taught me to.

When I told a few of them my good-old-primary school memories, I use to be bossy, I use to smack a lot of people, I use to make many girls and a few boys cry. What I said must go. Now, I am weaker (not that it is a bad thing), sometimes I do really really wish to confront and beat the living hell out of those people who try to make my life hard and thinks that they are the best persons in the world and I owe them which in turn makes me look that I can’t live without them. But, I didn’t. I merely shrug it off or rant about it to someone and as a result that person has to bear with me for quite awhile.